Monday, April 29, 2013

Thoughts on Marriage.

I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately as my best friend has been getting ready to get married to her sweetheart next week.

I have thought about things that I have found to be of value and are things that make a marriage more than just 'work.'   {I know, two years has made me such an expert.}

First of all, I think it is pathetic that our culture and our world has made marriage out to be something that is such a burden.  It is completely defiled by so many--- in so many ways.  I am so sick and tired of hearing it described as being 'just a piece of paper.'

It's not.

It is a commitment and promise to each other to stick it out no matter what- when everything else seems to not be working.  And anyone who thinks that the commitment is solely between the two people involved, is likely to not have a successful marriage in the first place.  It's a promise and commitment to God- just as much to the other person.  It's not just a piece of paper.  That thought process is wrong.  Satan wants to destroy the family unit- and his best target is at marriage.  We can't afford to rationalize it like that.

It is such a blessing- such a relief of stress and daily burdens.  It is meant to lift and support.  It is meant to make life easier.  It is meant to give comfort and companionship in times where nothing else can fill a void.  Its not a burden or a stress.  It isn't exhausting.  It shouldn't make life hard, or anyone lonely.  I don't know why or when we started making it that way.

It's not.

Does it take work? Absolutely. Anything worth having takes effort.  A burden? A stress?  No.  What you put into it is what you will get out of it.  What is interesting, is when you truly love someone, the 'work' part of it doesn't seem like work.  It seems wrong to call it that.  You just do things because you love them.  It is second nature.  You just sacrifice a little here or there because you want them to be happy- more than you are interested in your own happiness or your own agenda.  It's not hard when you make it about love.

I think the reason for marriage decline and disregard is due to people just being lazy.
Don't let yourselves fall out of love.




My Super Experienced and All-Knowing (not) Advice From My Perspective as a Wife:

^^     If you are with your husband, be with your husband.  This has a two-fold meaning:

  • Don't spend time texting, facebooking, whatever other people when you are with him.  Show him he is your #1 priority and that you have some time set aside for him only. Show him that no one else is important enough to get in the way of that time you have with him.
  • Once you are married, be married. Others may have different opinions- but to us, that means zero communication with the opposite sex outside of your husband or family. If you want a successful and trust-filled marriage, commit to that. Don't even open doors. It is 100% inappropriate. Don't leave any room for wondering. Don't make exceptions.  It isn't worth it.  Let your husband be the only man in your life, let him know it, and make sure everyone else knows it.  

^^     Don't expect your marriage to fill any voids between you and your Heavenly Father, or you with any of your other relationships. It won't compensate and it is unfair to put that pressure on your spouse.

^^     Probably my #1::: TURN IT OFF.
Don't expect to have a successful marriage if you sit on your phone or laptop all night.  Don't expect it if you have the TV constantly on, and don't sit and instagram or tweet all night about what you are doing.  Honestly, turn off everything- sometimes just be okay with unplugging it all.  Leave your phone in the car or at home on a date.  Turn it off at night or leave it in another room.  Limit TV time.  If you notice yourself thinking about it (phone, tv, computer) when you are away from it, you probably need to be on it a lot less. Those things seriously get in the way more than we give them credit.  I am so saddened by how many couples I see out on weekends and they just sit there like zombies on their phones and share maybe two sentences with each other.
That is the recipe on exactly how to fall out of love. So sad. We have a rule that we don't even look at our phones when we are out with each other (other than to take pictures together.. and post about them later if we feel the need to)- we have plenty of other time to do those things.

^^      One thing that again a lot of people have a different opinion on, and that is okay, is to not have a TV in the bedroom. Keep it in the living room.  Keep the bedroom a space for talking and loving. It can definitely be a sacrifice to some- seriously, at times nothing sounds better than watching TV in  your comfy bed.  But it is so worth the good relationship with your husband.  Every now and then we will watch a movie in bed at night on a weekend or something--- that is way different than having a TV, cable, etc available to think about 24/7.

^^     To branch off of what I said above, don't fall out of love.

  • You change.  He will change.  You will both evolve as you have different life experiences.  Stay in touch with him.  Talk about interests and goals all the time.  Be the rock for him to come home and sometimes just vent to about his bad day.  Be interested.  Care about it and how he feels, show him.  Look at him when he is talking to you or sharing feelings.  Set aside specific time every day to just sit and connect with him. Be his best friend, and let him be yours.  If he isn't the first person you want to tell about something, change that. 
  • Don't be boring.  Go do things that push both his and your limits.  Rock climb, go skydiving, take a crazy trip, try weird food, do interesting things. It builds your relationship and you learn so much about each other. Change up the dinner-and-movie dates.

^^     Let him be a man.  Sounds silly, I know. But don't over boss, over schedule, over budget, over whatever- him.  Let him go play basketball, hang out with his friends, or spend some time every day just doing what he wants and don't make him feel guilty about it.  Again, care more about his happiness than yours- and he will recognize it and do the same for you. Don't put him on a tight leash. He will love you a lot more if you let him do his thing. Don't be high-strung or stress him out.

^^     Be loyal to the absent. Never ever speak negatively whatsoever about him to anyone.  Never share anything that is just between the two of you.  There is no such thing as a rightful need to 'vent' to someone about him or something he did or something that is going on. If you need to talk, talk to him. You love him more than anyone, you have the ability forgive him so quickly.  Your mother, friend, aunt, cousin, whoever- doesn't know or love him like you do.  What you tell them in the heat of an issue doesn't eventually blow over like it does for you. Keep it to yourself. Give him every reason to trust you.

^^      Synch your schedules.  Get up when he gets up. Go to bed at the same time. This is a sacrifice with crazy school and work schedules- I know. This way, your emotions and feelings are a lot more in synch- and you are a lot more likely to know how he is feeling during the day.  If you are feeling tired and beat, you know he is and you'll be less likely to complain or act irrationally.  Bear things together.  Sacrifice together.  Let his burdens be yours too.  Going to bed at the same time rocks. It makes it easier to be on the same page, spiritually, too.

^^      Do little things for each other every day.  A small note, a random little surprise, a date during the week. Do something romantic.  Stay in love.  Take care of each other.  It seriously is all about the little things. When he is sick, baby him.  When he is stressed, make him his favorite dessert or help out with whatever you can. Make it a constant habit to always be looking out for ways to lighten his load whenever possible. He will do the same for you.

^^      Push yourself as a person.  Develop yourself.  Your husband deserves the best you that you can be just as you deserve the same.  Let him help you work things that are important to you.  Set goals that are hard to reach.  Do hard things that you know will make you a better wife, friend, and disciple of Christ.

  • On a side note, be feminine.  Also may seem kind of silly, I know. But I can't stand feminists (oops... sorry?).  Who ever even said that being feminine is or was ever inferior?!? It's not. Your husband wants a woman.  Not someone who is scared to be one.  Be one. Don't be a man around him. Don't be gross. Stay attractive. Duh you are married, so some nights you are just going to have zero time or energy to do anything but sit in your glasses and old pjs.  But make the effort on occasion to get dressed up and keep yourself up. Develop, and don't lose qualities that make you a good, feminine woman. He will admire that. He wants that.
  • Take an honest, regular, personal inventory of yourself.  Are you getting kinda critical lately? Have you been uptight? Have you been self-centered? What could you be doing better to take a load off of him? You don't have to answer or talk about it with anyone, but it can be so, so beneficial to take a step back sometimes and be honest about what you can improve on.

^^      This is a way long list. For real. Don't think for one second that I have this nailed down... by any means.  I surely don't.
These are all things I work on.  It takes a lot of patience with yourself (usually more patience than it takes with your spouse) to have a wonderful marriage.  It takes a lot of honesty and understanding. 

I have been so so blessed to have my husband be the most near-perfect and wonderful person I know.  He is my literal hero.  I love him more than anyone in the world.  He helps me more than anything... he is so understanding and nonjudgmental towards me.  He understands me like no one else.  He makes me feel like I do everything right.  I made all these resolutions a long time ago because these are things that help me feel like I return the favor- so that I know I am doing everything I can to make him feel the way he makes me feel. 

Marriage is wonderful.  It is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It has blessed my life more than I ever knew possible. It makes my life 100x more enjoyable. It is honestly the best way to live.  I cannot imagine my life without my sweetheart.  He is truly my very best friend. 

It takes work.. it takes practice.  But when two lives mesh together into one, there is nothing like it in the whole world.





What do you think?


5 comments:

Abigail. said...

She does it again!
Absolutely loved this!!

xo

Jonathan and Shantai said...

Great post Kailin... glad I stumbled across it. If more people did these things our country and world would not be in the shambles they are in today. Oh and I hate the feminist movement, as well:)

Kailin.Beck said...

Thanks Abby!! Love love love you! So excited for your big day- its so soon!

Kailin.Beck said...

Thanks Shantai! I agree! Feminists... for real. Ha ha hope all is great with you!

Krista said...

I love this. Obviously not married yet, but I think a lot of this is just common sense and class. I think the most important one is being with him and leaving your phone off or in the car or whatever and just being with him. It doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal, but it makes a difference.